To truly create something different, to rise above the standard forms that we have been handed, to reach new levels of collective spiritual insight, we need more evolved leadership.
We may have desires to create something different, but it is up to us to take responsibility and make sure we are walking the walk of being a truly transformational leader.
To one degree or another, leaders in the past have been people who tell others what to do. They direct or inform. In moments, they might inspire, but the inspiration, more often than not, is more of a pointer in the direction where their followers should be headed.
This old model is partly born of a notion that the leader has something in his or her head that the others involved need to learn how to execute on or adhere to. What is more true is that, while a leader might know something about where the group is going, there is quite a bit that is unknown—growth requires a stepping into the unknown. The leader will be just as changed and surprised by the process as everyone else.
When we assume that the leader has the answer and the followers are merely trying to catch up or make it happen, it devalues the contributions of those involved. It creates a dysfunctional hierarchy based on an authoritarian model where one person knows and everyone else learns or follows.
While this works at certain levels of consciousness, where the divine nature, creative spark, and soul essence are not yet being expressed, once we are operating in groups with more consciousness, the old model becomes oppressive.
As a leader, it is easy to think that we have grown beyond this model when in fact we have not. It takes continual refinement to advance beyond established norms of leadership.
To be clear, to embrace new forms of leadership worthy of our collective growth in consciousness, we do not need to do away with all forms of hierarchy—in fact, that is somewhat problematic. We do need, however, to work with these structures in an entirely new way.
In a healthier, more advanced version of leadership worthy of our noble endeavors, the leader is the first person to adjust their behavior. This above all else is what makes them the leader. They do not need to tell others to make changes so that then they can change or realize their objective. They change so that others can also make changes.
As a leader, before making a request, you make the desired shift inside of yourself. If you see a problem in someone else’s behavior, see how it is showing up in your behavior or how you are contributing to its creation.
Following on this, the question when things are not working out is not what does this other person need to do to get on track, but what do you need to do to be a better leader. This rigorous inquiry and adjustment is the foundation of a more advanced leadership.
As your leadership becomes more refined, it is built on listening to what is coming through each individual and harnessing this in service of a collective vision. You are not fearlessly in front barking out commands to those following, but tirelessly attending to the full expression of what is coming through.
This part of leadership often requires sitting back. Not a resentful sitting back, creating a standoff of disengagement and fear, but the sitting back that creates perspective on what is happening, that grounds itself in the larger vision, that holds a light for others to see by.
From this perspective, it is possible to see how to maximize everyone’s potential and grow the collective work. It is possible to see how to help people contribute more and better. With humility, it is possible to put aside agendas about what things should look like and create excellence from what is.
This type of leader looks at each person and evaluates them not only on a collective standard but on their individual contribution. What wisdom does this person have to offer in their approach to the work at hand? How might what is bothering or challenging your actually be a missing piece in making it work?
Or, if a person is making mistakes, not showing up, or being otherwise problematic, the question for the other person from the evolved leader is: “What do you need to make this work for you,” instead of “why are you making this mistake?”
If, after being given the support that they need to succeed, someone is unable to rise to the call of what is needed, this is its own instruction and will most often be evident to all involved, creating smooth transitions and ongoing goodwill.
This shift alone begins to dissolve unhealthy dynamics that people have with authority figures. No longer do people need to prove their worth and value to the leader. They can trust that their worth and value is an intrinsic part of the whole. They know that the obstacles they face will be easier to overcome because they have the support of both the leader and the collective.
These more developed leaders, whom I imagine you are trying to become, do not have followers. You have collaborators who, through their deep respect for your leadership, give their all to a joint creation. These collaborators are fully empowered to be leaders themselves and are capable of being led by others they are working with.
As you make the shift to this more powerful form of leadership, what you are able to create exponentially increases. No longer does one person need to bear the burden of bringing forth the vision; rather, the vision is brought forth from the collective hearts and souls of all who are involved, making it powerful and secure beyond measure.
If you’re interested in stepping into new models of leadership and coaching, check out my Transformational Coaching Program.
One very important aspect of working with the shadow comes from the work of Cliff Barry, who has separated the shadow into four different quadrants—four different aspects of the shadow—to help people understand the energies that are often in shadow for us. His belief is that these energies are essential parts of who we are and they are either working for us or against us. If we become more aware of them, then we will be able to have them work for us more than against us.
One of Cliff Barry’s shadow aspects is the predator; one component of this is the perpetrator–victim dynamic. Even within the area of shadow work, this is a broad area of inquiry and discussion, so we will just touch on it here. First, let’s take a look at how this dynamic is created.
If at some point in your life you were unable to protect yourself, take care of yourself, or you were hurt by an outside force, whether a person or an institution—then in this experience you intimately learned about being a victim. What is less talked about is that victims through their experience learn about being perpetrator as well. This is not to say that they are perpetrators but rather that they understand both sides of the coin. Through being victimized we understand the realities of perpetration.
Victims usually vow never to be like the person who hurt them. And this sets up a shadow dynamic. They either act out the perpetration while denying its effects. For example when someone experiences abuse and then perpetrates it on someone else. Or, they turn the abuse on themselves.
In situations were the person replicates the perpetration they experienced, they often do this because the pain is so significant that it is unmanageable. So, they use a variety of methods to minimize the pain disconnecting them from themselves and the results of their actions. They often make a vow to themselves, usually unconsciously, never to be in a powerless position again. Often this person thinks along the lines of “I don’t want to be the victim.” But because, they believe that the same situation will in one way or another play out again –it is usually all they know- it is supportive of their survival not to remain in the victim role.
Someone who has not been through this kind of experience might wonder how a person, after experiencing such a horrific experience, could go and do the same thing to others. The reason is more complicated than can be explained here, but for our purposes the dynamic is that the victim is simply trying to take back power in a situation where they felt powerless so as to avoid the pain of that event.
Conversely, sometimes the victim will say something like, “I will never do that to another person.” But, because they have not resolved the dynamic, they play it out inside themselves. For example, they might be horrified at the idea of hurting another person, but they might be cruel to themselves on a regular basis. In this version, the perpetration is turned inward toward themselves, which might manifest as a strong critical voice, self-sabotage, or even a lack of self-care, all of which may or may not happen consciously. Very often, this person, even though they try their hardest not to let this inner perpetrator out, will inadvertently do just that. This can sometimes cause them to be even harder on themselves and continue the cycle.
Even if we are not aware of a shadow dynamic, it still is expressed—we just don’t have control over the expression.
To learn more about the Victim–Perpetrator Shadow Dynamic, watch this video: Free Yourself From the Victim Perpetrator Dynamic
To work with the shadow, it is helpful to notice when it is most active. One of the ways to know that we are in the shadow terrain is to recognize the emergence of a certain type of blindness, deafness, or shutdown. To work with the shadow, it helps if we attune ourselves to this “lack of knowing,” which will make us more sensitive to how we relate to the world around us. Instead of paying attention to where we have openness and clarity, we pay attention to where there is constriction, lack of understanding, and disconnectedness. As we start to become more aware of how our shadow feels, we can begin to work with the shadow when it comes up. We learn that, if we pay attention, then we can gather some really valuable information to help transform our shadow and open up to even more expanded ways of being.
Another way to see our shadow is to notice when we are blaming, shaming, victimizing, or moving into anger, deception, or aggression. Behaviors such as these are clear indicators that our shadow is active in some way. While the first way of seeing our shadow is about becoming attuned to a feeling—how the shadow feels—the second way is to know that if you are pointing a finger at someone chances are there is a shadow involved.
A misconception that people sometimes develop about working with the shadow is that this way of looking at things means that everything is “their fault,” and they feel that they are going to have to continually take responsibility for every experience regardless of how bad the other person’s behavior is. While you are always responsible for your own behavior, regardless of the situation, every other person is also responsible for their behavior. Just because you look at your responsibility in a situation doesn’t mean that another person doesn’t have the same responsibility in the same situation. If you are around someone who does not take responsibility for their behavior, your healthiest choice might be to leave the situation rather than continuing to look at your shadow.
Recognizing the role that your shadow is playing in the situation is not done just as a practice of accepting responsibility; it actually gives you a greater degree of clarity about how you can proceed. It helps you see how you might be able to bring a problem or a challenge to the surface so that it can be worked with, or how you might be able to work with it directly. When we work with the shadow, we do so in order to more adeptly change the situation into what we want.
A third way that we can work with the shadow is by doing excavation work and understanding how our issues are likely to show up as shadows. This process of self-inquiry helps us understand how our prior experiences have created these patterns. We can assume that there are some shadow elements where we were wounded in the past and that each wound has its own pattern. These patterns act as templates that can at times be replayed in our current life. And so many times—though not always—this template of wounding exists in the shadow realm. For example, when we think “Why is this happening again? Why am I experiencing the same thing that I’ve experienced so many times?” we have stumbled upon one of these wounding patterns.
It is the process of personal inquiry that helps us to unpack what is going on and to bring what is in the shadow out into the open. When we start to look at our stories, our experiences, and our wounds, then this naturally starts to bring shadow elements to light. It helps to clarify where we might be hiding or where we might not be able to see ourselves. And this, of course, creates a tremendous amount of transformation.
These are three ways that you can start to work with or identify where the shadow exists in your life so that you can create more of what you want instead of more of the same.
We can explore these techniques and more in a one-on-one session designed to illuminate how deep subconscious patterns are affecting your everyday life. Find out more here –> One-on-One Sessions with Dr. Kate
One of the trickier pieces of working with ourselves and the realm of personal and spiritual development is working with our shadow, which comprises all of the elements of us that we are unable to see. Often, we see these traits in others but not in ourselves. When we look out to the world and are irritated or upset by another person’s behavior, or we think that they should be different, then usually what we are seeing is our own shadow.
We can see our shadow by correlating what we do not like in another with what we are not aware of in ourselves. For example, if we do not like a person’s selfishness, we might look inside to see how we are also selfish. Because we all have all traits, whatever we see in another, we also have If we deny that we have a certain type of trait, then we’re very likely to see this trait outside of us and react negatively to it in the outside world. We do this because, at some point in time, we’ve decided that this trait is one we shouldn’t have. So then, when we see it in someone else, we believe that they shouldn’t have it either.
However, there’s another layer to working with the shadow: where we look at how our particular stories, issues, and problems are interplaying or interlocking with what it is that we are seeing in the outside world. We might get irritated or have some other negative emotion about someone’s behavior. But, actually, what’s happening is that we are seeing a reflection of the parts of us that are coconspirators with this particular behavior—the things that are we unaware of that help to create our experience of this trait.
If someone acts a certain way or we perceive that they’re treating us a certain way, then we can explore how our storyline, our doubts and fears, the places that we don’t want to go, and the things we do or don’t want to feel inside could be interacting with this particular event.
Our first step is to simply ask, “How do I live out this trait that I do not like in this other person?”
Next, we can look at how that trait interacts with our personal stories. How does our personal story (way of being) help bring out this behavior in others?
Our shadow is incredibly important while we are trying to build our relationships on any level—whether that is a partnership or a friendship or a community. Inevitably, our shadow projections are going to come. When they do, they tend to be the things that are most disruptive to our relationships. Because these traits are in shadow, it’s easy for us to simply blame the other person for exhibiting bad behavior. As we turn around and begin to work with the shadow, we begin to unlock our own potential and the potential of the relationship.
As we become better and better at shining light onto our shadow, we are able to shift and transform situations, not because the situations themselves change, but because our perceptions of those situations change—radically. We see opportunities where we didn’t see them before. We understand how to show up differently or be different so that we can create a whole new reality for ourselves. We also learn to take responsibility for our contributions and keep the focus on our own work which speeds up our growth.
While it is at time challenging work to do and just as quickly as we grasp it can seem to elude us, working with our shadow is vital to our personal and spiritual development. We simply cannot progress pass a certain point without taking it into consideration.
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