When I think back on myself as a child, I am struck by the gentleness, open-heartedness, and connectedness that I possessed. I remember so many moments of feeling profound and exquisite love with myself and others. But, as I watch the years go by in my mind, I notice the spontaneity of movement, exuberant singing, and joyful embraces of loved ones slowly being replaced by solitary musings in the woods.
It became true that only those deep and soulful moments of silent and private connection were where I felt safe to feel my truest self.
This was the result of an ongoing infiltration of my innocence by destructive and predatory forces which continually pushed me to withdraw, separate, and build a wall against a deep embrace with the other.
These private moments became the foundation of my experience. It was when I was alone that I was most able to access myself, feel spiritually nourished, and lovingly held.
During this time, a split developed between the richness of my heart’s experience and my connection to people around me. The two felt distinctly separate. I had less and less access to the intrinsic lover in my nature.
A deep sadness grew inside, the root of which I could not quite put my finger on but I can best describe it as a disruption in the flow of my natural essence and the way that it made contact with the world.
I forgot how to be a lover.
This year, along with some solid and relatively long-standing intentions that I have been working with, I added a new one. I decided to hold the intention of being an amazing lover.
Not just of people but of life itself.
I knew that returning to this place of being the lover was asking for a healing of the early childhood places of disconnection and it meant coming into my life in a whole new way.
I also believe that returning “the lover” to the day-in-day-out events of life is a much-needed transformation of our disconnected world. A task I want to devote myself fully.
As intentions can sometimes work, I very soon found myself face down with one eye wide open staring into what is holding me back and the other closed tightly hoping that the pain will pass quickly.
It was from here that I returned again to the lover inside. I learned how my experiences and the resulting protective habits did not hold me back from being a lover but rather marvelously adorned her.
In writing this, I hope that you see this in yourself.
There is no safety. It is pointless to protect yourself and yet you do and always will in one way or another. This is the path of the lover. The hide and seek, the reveal and conceal that is a beautiful dance of finding new levels of intimacy.
You do not need to leave your limitations behind but take them with you to the door and hold them lovingly as you pass through. In love, you find new ways to connect and then return again to the disconnect of your fragile limitations. And then, connect once again.
There is no need to fix yourself, only the willingness to dance this dance.
The dance itself is the path of the lover.
Along with the compassionate carrying of your limitations, your connection to and honoring of your divine essence is the essential ground out of which your lovership emerges. It is in this access to your divine nature that you unfold the unique blueprint of your lover self.
The exquisite and perfect lover can be like no other, the stunning essence that is devotedly received, its touch and its glance a gift like the purest water.
Whatever you did or did not do to protect this precious part of yourself and however this may be showing up for you now, will, for the person intent of finding the lovers embrace, be signs directing them to the deepest purest part of you rather than leading away.
There is, also, no reason to fight for this essential part of you to be seen, met or accepted because this part of yourself is already in a deep embrace with its other.
For the lover part of yourself, the embrace is eternal.
Regardless of what might seem to the contrary, the path of the lover only goes in one direction -toward...you cannot get lost. It is your devotion to the path that allows you to love and be loved not your lack of wounds and defenses.
So, have no fear in your delicate and desiring heart, the one that craves the freedom and receptivity to allow your inner lover to return. You are ready. Your lover is waiting.